4 things to do after a bad break-up: if you don’t mind seeming like a crazy bitch

  1. Give them their stuff back: you don’t want their crappy stuff clogging up your house, do you? No? Put it all in a box, drive it to their place and dump it in their front garden. So what if it rains? Not your problem, you’ve returned the stuff. Better still put all their crap in a donation bag and put it outside your door. Text them with the approximate time the bag will be collected by the Salvation Army or The British Heart Foundation or whatever. If they don’t get there in time, so what? Bonus points if you include a letter telling them exactly why you would NEVER date them again. Not even if they crawled over broken glass, not even if they would donate a kidney to you, not even if it would cause The Academy Is… to reform
  2. Ask for your stuff back: Actually don’t ask, demand and set a date. Remind them of little things they might ‘forget’ about. Better still turn up with really super macho brother/friend/dad and a baseball bat. You’ll have your McFly cds back in no time.
  3.  Watch or delete all of the stuff you DVR’d to watch together: it’s taking up too much room on your hard drive and there’s no need for it. They’re not coming back to watch Adventureland or Happy Endings with you. Watch and delete but try not to cry at the bits they would have found funny. Also, don’t update your Facebook to advertise to people that you’ve watched the entire of Bomb Girls alone on a Saturday night. People think that’s sad.
  4. Work out: when they  see you out and about, they should be thinking aww man, why did I let her go? Plus if you take up martial arts, you’ll learn how to kick their arse if they annoy you.
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